I asked my fifteen and a half year old daughter what she thinks I should write about for my next blog. I know, I look too young to have a teenager, but I do and she is great! Her response went something like, “What about the time you gave me a jalapeño pepper instead of a pickle? Maybe you should write about the time you forgot to pick me up from Sunday school and left me at church? How about writing about when you left the windows open as we drove through the car wash? Remember when you gave me a mudslide instead of chocolate milk? I think the time you gave me frozen rum balls instead of Nestle Dibs would make a great blog too!”
I write this with a full heart of crazy mixed feelings on the eve of the end of my maternity leave. Tomorrow not only starts the beginning of the 2017-2018 school year for me, but my year long maternity leave also comes to an end. My twin daughters were born four weeks into last year’s school year after I was on hospital bed rest for a week. The three weeks I worked last year were a clouded spiral of the end of my twin pregnancy causing quite a blur in my memory. Although I actually had forty-nine weeks off, I like to say I took off the whole year. Where did this year go? How has it been forty-nine weeks since I stepped foot into my school?
It’s that time of year again, yippee!!! Back to school time in my household means complete chaos!! My teenager is already shouting, “Mom, I need a WHOLE new wardrobe!!!” I would love new clothes, but I’m too fat to buy clothes. So instead of new clothes for this mom, I wear black faded capris and moo moo dresses!! 😬 My kids suddenly have no socks, underwear, shoes or clothes. How in the hell did they survive all summer? Were my kids naked all summer long?
I heart garage sales and wine! I’ve never thrown my own garage sale, but love attending them. If I ever host a garage sale, I will not have my children selling lemonade like little cute suburban kids, but rather have my husband tending bar to attract customers. Can you imagine a garage sale with gin and wine flowing? Awesome, right? On second thought, I would most likely be the one consuming the booze and would be giving away my kids’ old clothes like they were poker chips after a bad night on Fremont Street just to get rid of them.
Tonight, my toddler, aka Norbert, decided it was okay to go potty in a USPS box that was going to be mailed to a customer. There was no way my costumer ordered a box of pee with her shirt! My easy clean up solution was to throw everything in the tub while I mopped the floor. This was definitely the wrong solution. I learned quickly to never leave my kid in the tub unsupervised. Not only could she have drowned, but other messy things could happen in tub. Something did happen: POOP! If you haven’t fished out floating poop from the tub, you are really missing out! Quickly, I got her out of the tub and “Oh shit!” I forgot to put a diaper on her! It was too late; Norbert just peed on the couch! WTF did this kid drink today?!
This morning I was woke up at 2am by my adorable snot nosed 2 year old. My mornings range from 2am to 6 am. I am STILL breastfeeding my 2 year old! She will NOT give it up! She calls my boobs “juice” and she calls dibs on which side she wants to juice for the day! She kicks and screams if I refuse to nurse her. I’ve tried to wean her off but for sake of my sanity I give in to her!